She kissed me on the cheeks, congratulated me on my new teaching position and all I could say was thank you. I froze. I couldn’t stop shaking from inside. At that moment, I was afraid of her… afraid that all that vulnerability I had shown her would break me once and for all. My fingers kept fidgeting on the Perrier bottle I was drinking. I couldn’t even look her in the eye. A close friend of hers came over and, strangely enough, she gave me a strong and genuine hug. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. If it hadn’t been for the hug I think I would have burst out in tears. The rest of the evening also felt like a blur. I felt disconnected, not quite all there. I heard people talking to me but I couldn’t make any sense of what they were saying. And well, seeing Miss X brought me back to square one all over again. And… life does work in mysterious ways since my new teaching position is at walking distance from her place. Stranger things have happened I know but part of me wished it was a sign of something. Unfortunately for me, Miss X is not reading anything into it. “It is what it is” as she often says.
Why do we all put ourselves through this? I think rejection from a loved one is one of the most hurtful feelings anyone can face. Whatever the reason that hides behinds the feeling of rejection, there is that concept of “not-being-part” of something bigger than ourselves that we all crave for. Fear of rejection stems from the fear of being alone, of not being able to create your own happiness alone or (as it has always been in my case) rejection incarnates the negative feedback about who we are… and what is wrong with us. And it sucks every time. It affects our self-image and our self-confidence. So, after every breakup or rejection, I always wonder what is so wrong with ME that this other person doesn’t love me (?). Rationally, I know it’s not about them being able to love me… it’s about ME being able to love ME but the ego just can’t seem to deal with it.
Here are few tips on how to deal with rejection:
Address the pain.
It’s no use hiding in your bed or behind a big bottle of wine. You’re bound to feel a great deal of pain and it’s good to embrace it. Rejection hurts but you need to face it to fix it and move on.
Avoid needless anguish.
Some relationships are worth fighting for to be sure, but really take a look at what the reasons were that led to the breakup or rejection. You don’t want to beat a dead horse. Let it go and spend your time fighting for something and someone with a future.
Keep occupied.
As good as it is to face rejection, you also need to ensure that you’re not compounding the pain by dwelling needlessly on it. Get outside, get together with friends, join a club and keep social. Not only will it be better for you mentally, but it can also serve as an intro to your next relationship!*
Not so easy to do but I guess time will help me move along… eventually!
As for the movie itself (Circumstances), I’m not sure what to make of it. The topic has been explored before and I’m growing tired of seeing lesbians “controlled and abused" by men and culture in general. I know it’s a terrible thing to say because that is many lesbians’ reality and it seems I am brushing it off (which I’m not) but I am seeing darkness all around me and it is getting to me. I am often faced with children and teenagers who are neglected and abused. I hear about cyber-pedophiles, crimes of honour and family murders… I don’t want to put my head in the sand and pretend lesbians live free from prejudice around the world but I have a hard time being a witness to so much darkness… and I know I am being utopian but I only dream of a better place where everybody is kind to one another.
I applaud it and embrace it.
Ally L.
*Rejection in Relationships by D. Glasebrook