Life is a mystery. Between human nature, the thinking brain and the overwhelming emotional wounds we all carry, I am left wondering what life is all about. As my high school teacher used to say: “Life’s a bitch and then you die”. I must admit, life has a twisted sense of humor. With every “right” turn comes a traitorous & tortuous left curve! Just when I thought of myself as a mature lesbian, I simply realise that there is no such thing as being mature when heartaches take over. It’s all about the ego, I know!!! Still, the feeling of loss and abandonment is crushing, whether you are 7 or 77 years old!!! I wish I could make it all up. Learn from my mistakes and re-live “The Perfect Life”. No such thing of course but still would be great. Then again, with every mistake learned new ones would lay on my new path of life. There is no getting around it. Can’t life just be easy? Can’t it give me what I need and withhold the agonising lessons of life? Yep, I thought I had found some balance, I though I was reasonably grounded. I was working, studying, meeting new people, making new friends and learning to enjoy celibacy. Don’t get me wrong, I still had issues but I at least I was enjoying life. It doesn’t take much for that illusionary balance to loose its footing. Yes, I am finding myself in the emotional ditch once again. This too shall pass. I know. But until then, the issues have re-surfaced and the aloneness is slowly sinking in.
All this to say that life’s ordeals are beyond me…
There is no use trying to understand them or making sense of them. It is what it is. And trying to be a better person sometimes feels futile. If someday it pays off, well, I’ll take it graciously and consider myself one of the lucky ones.
One thing is certain, no matter what the trials and ordeals, life does go on…(!)
Ally L.