The fact still remains, loneliness can get the best of you and making new friendships is not always an easy task. Friendships, like romantic relationships, take time to build. They develop based on similar interests but also on trust and intimacy (the platonic type of course but not always obvious when being a lesbian and making new girl friends!).
I’ve learned that there are three steps to making peace with meaningful friendships that have changed or evolved in a distant type of relationship;
Step 1 Acceptance
Realizing that the friendship has changed is certainly the first step to being able to do something about it. Talking it over and telling your friends what isn’t working for you anymore may be the best way to accept that things have changed. Often enough friends do realise that they haven’t been there for you and make the changes accordingly. If not, one must accept that life happens and priorities do change… for all of us… at a certain point and time in our lives…
Step 2 Don’t throw everything away!
When we are hurt, we tend to want to forget about the person and all that has happened in the friendship. It is often a defence mechanism to avoid feeling the pain of losing someone meaningful. Friendships are built over time and they become part of our common history… which cannot be erased. It doesn’t mean you have to dwell on it just to be able to value the good moments for what they were.
Step 3 Avoid finding someone to blame…
It is always easy to say “It’s your fault!” The truth be told, sometimes a specific even may trigger that blaming phase but do consider that friendships are based on reciprocity… and so it is a two way street. Sometimes, there is no one to blame. Friends simply grow apart because they evolve in a different way and they walk different paths. Some friendships fade away for a little while and resurface unexpectedly. Sometimes no one is to blame… it's just life.
This being said, friendship among lesbians is by far one of the most complex settings to me. Ex-girlfriends and friendships can definitely get tangled. Loyalties sometimes feel betrayed and from time to time you just have to learn to walk away. The lesbian setting is quite the small world and as much as it can be pleasant and friendly, some break-ups turn out to be heart-rending and coming face to face with your ex in the village can be a cruel reality… especially knowing that your ex is still friends with your best friend… but that’s another story all together!
Ally L.