Maybe it’s me. But I was recently confronted to the cruel fact that most lesbian friends around me are either exes, ex-lovers, women I used to have a crush on or women who were interested in pursuing a relationship/affair with me. How do I (and lesbians in general) choose and determine friendships? Straight women pick their friendships, first and foremost, based on mutual interests, common lifestyles and experiences but never do they base their friendship on physical attraction. There isn’t any ambiguity in the possible friendship that may develop between them.
Lesbian friendships are tricky. Often enough, one of the two lesbians will develop an attraction that goes beyond the mutual interest and common experiences. And when the friend actually comes out and lets you know about their attraction, you can always try to save the friendship (if it’s ever really possible!? – I am starting to wonder…). The other risk is that the friend who is interested in you never really lets you in on the deal… making things sometimes a bit awkward. Often enough you feel the awkwardness or the ambiguity but can’t really put your finger on it and it would seem rather pretentious to actually bring up the topic and discuss it (for the person that is not interested of course!).
As I was thinking, the big difference between straight men and lesbians is that men are obvious about their interest in sleeping/pursuing a personal relationship with a woman. Some lesbians are also very obvious about the object of their desire but most are so discreet about it that you wonder and doubt their intentions behind the friendship… making you the paranoid one! Often enough being interested (in conversation!) and being nice is also misconstrued for attraction. I also believe the U-Haul joke about lesbians (not such a joke in my own opinion!) precipitates relationships that should rather have remained into the friendship zone (if even that!).
Therapy has helped me look into why I had the relationships I had. I have also learned that being physically/sexually intimate with a woman was the main way for me to feel the closeness I was desperately searching for. But being close to someone doesn’t have to be transferred into a relationship/affair. You can be close to a friend without the physical attraction but until I was aware of the difference I was often in the flirt mode – searching for closeness in all the wrong places. It is so much easier to feel a physical closeness rather than developing a friendship that requires openness and trust. And transparency is not something you only share in a relationship; it is also a must in a friendship. Knowing who you are and what you need/want from any relationship/friendship will define it and nourish it. I have learned the hard way that denying your true feelings (or anything else for that matter!) will not make the friendship stronger…
All that to say that lesbian friendships are possible… but extremely complex. And it is true that friendships with straight women are free from ambiguity, giving the friendship more room for what’s really important…
Here's one perspective...
http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/2009/03/01/the-lesbian-friendship-fact-or-fiction/
If my conclusion seems somehow harsh or sounds off the wall to you, let me know. I am curious about your own perceptions of lesbian friendships. What has been your experience? How did your lesbian friendships develop?
Curious aLLY wants to know…
Ally L.