There is definitely something to be said about fears. They have this nasty habit of running our lives and sabotaging even the worthiest relationships. They are often triggered insidiously, creeping first into our bodies, making their way brutally to our hearts and nesting into our sometimes troubled minds. Fears then instinctively unfold in unhealthy patterns that nurture our substantial need for self-preservation. They feed on safety, keeping both danger and true happiness at arm’s length… However, happiness is about taking chances and… as The Little Prince so well put it: “On risque de pleurer un peu si on s’est laissé apprivoiser.”
There is some deep soul searching that needs to take place in order to overcome the fears. Being aware of their existence and naming them is a monumental step to defeating them. It requires humility and honest introspection. And although some fears are rationally incontrollable, others dissolve at the mere idea of being found out and understood.
I have mentioned my own fears on this blog; the need for self-preservation, the constant struggle between my need to connect with women and the necessity to be in control of any emotional mishap. My fears have kept me safe from the undeniable disappointments that new relationships unavoidably bring on. In the end, my fears themselves have actually provoked the disappointments and forced me into a corner by playing the celibacy card. My first challenge was to embrace my “singlehood” mainly to learn about myself as a person but also as a woman. The ultimate challenge was to find someone I would face my fears with. Someone I would learn to trust and hopefully allow myself to be vulnerable enough to fall in love without the unhealthy patterns of the past. Emotional readiness says it all… it lets us embrace the fears and the child within. My previous entry does say much about it: holding off does allow for that special connectedness. It helps build the trust before enjoying the ultimate act of love making. And it is all about the trust.
Moments of bliss add up in different ways, whether it translates into slipping a hand on her thigh, a very first kiss or words being whispered in the darkness. It is also the silly child-like moments one wants to elicit (like wearing pink shades or sharing gold stars…) simply because it makes us both smile.
Smiling is good… very good.
Ally L.